Is Relapse Inevitable in Addiction Recovery?
Julie Myers, Psy.D.
For many with serious substance abuse problems, any drug or alcohol use can be problematic. These people must abstain. If they drink or drug again, they can slip into full-blown relapse, even after months or years of abstinence. For some, even a brief lapse may generate so much self-doubt, guilt, and a belief about personal failure, that the person gives up and continues to use. This tendency is referred to as the abstinence violation effect.
So does this mean that even a brief lapse must lead to a full-blown relapse? Does it mean a person must continue to drink or drug until the use returns to the initial level? Is spiraling out of control inevitable? Simply put, no. A lapse need not become a relapse. After a slip, you have not unlearned all that you have learned. You have not unchanged all that you have changed in your life to support your recovery. You do not have to start counting again from day one.
If you view your lapse as a mistake and as a product of external triggers, rather than as a personal failure, research shows that you will have a much better chance of return to abstinence quickly. Your lapse becomes a tool to move forward and to strengthen your motivation to change, your identification of triggers and urge-controlling techniques, your rational coping skills, and the lifestyle changes needed to lead a more balanced life.
Does this mean that a person should view these lapses as a good thing? Of course not! Clearly, if one wants to abstain, lapses are not preferred. But by recognizing that mistakes can happen and learning how to quickly right oneself, long-term abstinence can be achieved. Lapses may occur, but relapse is not inevitable.
Reprinted with permission from SMART Recovery San Diego
Copyright (2012) Julie Myers, PysD: Psychologist in San Diego. All Rights Reserved.
keep your head up it’s all part of recovery just pick yourself up dust off and get back on the sunny path,and know that you are worth the fight and there are people who love you.peace,love and happiness.
I love this,it is exactly how I feel,on the subject.
Perfect I love smart recovery’s view on recovery.
My brother recently lapsed after 2.5 years of sobriety. He says it was a good learning experience and that he is still committed to sobriety but he has minimal support due to the pandemic (no face to face support which was critical at the outset) now and I don’t feel he is taking it seriously – he says it isn’t a big deal. How can I help him avoid a full blown relapse when I feel he is trying to brush it under the carpet? He is avoiding talking about it at all and becomes defensive when we say we are here to help him
You’re correct in that lapses are not inevitable. On the other hand, few people learn all they need to know to stay sober without some slips or mistakes. I couldn’t agree more with your take on viewing a lapse as a learning experience. There’s solid clinical research showing that way of addressing a lapse reduces the likelihood of a lapse becoming a full blown relapse episode. We take this approach to lapses and relapse in our http://www.overcomingaddictions.net web app for SMART Recovery.
I couldn’t agree more. If you learn from it and work what trigger behind it, then it can strengthen sobriety. Of course a one night lapse isn’t desirable. But to start counting from day one is defeating and makes you think “Well, if I just lost thirty days and need to start counting from day one why not stay out for a while?” When dieting an occasional day lapse doesn’t mean much unless you stay in an old pattern. When I slipped for an evening it actually strengthened my resolve to keep going! I have complex ptsd so triggers can be a challenge. Instead of beating myself up the morning after I show compassion and love. I reinforce how much I love being without alcohol and how the fleeting effect of alcohol pales to the lingering sense of well being abstaining offers. I reinforce the good and love the part of me that was hurting and grabbed for the old tool. I continue to reinforce new self soothing skills and actually enjoy the healthy over the old pathway to self destruction. I connect abstinence with self love which is helping me recover from the root cause of the complex ptsd. Alcohol was the relationship I turned to because that was what I learned. Now I am relearning. I had numerous one night lapses until I finally felt my self worth. I had to learn to love myself unconditionally and that means even the lapses. These days when the thought of having wine strikes I immediately call to mind how I felt when I was intoxicated with everything bad associated. Then I think about how good I feel putting things inside of me that recovers me instead of having to recover from. I reinforce the successes. I am currently writing my life’s story and putting feeling words in the experiences which help me connect with myself. And, I am reparenting my “inner child” by having compassion and love for myself at the places I most needed it. I forgive the people who didn’t show up for me because they were sick and didn’t find a way out of the sickness of generational dysfunction. However, I have. I drop the guilt and shame about passing it on to my now adult children. Out of everyone who inherited the dysfunction I am doing something about it. And, that is grace. That is repenting and seeking a higher path. It models a solution to those who struggle because I haven’t stepped away from recovery even when those around me act out. I didn’t do it for them first but for myself because I deserve it. That will flow to others. During recovery people fall away. It’s critical to stay the course no matter who comes and goes in our lives. It’s a sign of internal movement. Until new healthier people come into our lives it’s important to be that person we want and to develop a strong relationship with self first.
Thanks so much for sharing your story! It sounds like you’ve made great progress. Keep up the great work.
I also agree. I suffer with ptsd and I have had to change my lifestyle in regards to the people I used to hang around, even though some of them have good intentions, it’s a trigger. I’m 3 months clean off alcohol and drugs. I detoxed myself with valium the first 2 weeks as I live alone with my dog and have had fits in the past. I’ve lapsed with drink and valium numerous times but this time unlike the past were I’ve lapsed I haven’t beat myself up and pushed that red relapse button. And you do learn from lapses but that’s not a reason to have one at all as its dangerous for your sobriety and freedom. For example yesterday a addict owed me money and I let him in my house as he brought me up the money. Then he throws a rocksmall on the table and the obvious happened and I ended up not only smoking but needing a drink for the comedown but woke up with that anxious feeling in my stomach and quickly remembered that dark place and instead off giving up like before I’ve put it down as a lapse took the dog for a walk put the gas on and learned I’ve got to keep boundaries and 100% I can’t let addicts in my house. Later today I’m going to do some boxing exorcise which has been key to me staying clean as have volunteering at crisis charity twice a week. Also cause we tend to have conferences in our heads I think I have ocd but that’s actually helped stop the confrences. I’m also reading a book called feel the fear and do it anyway what is brilliant as it gets your mind thinking from your higher self and in a kind of spiritual way find your higher self through love and power to take on your fears!
I almost had a lapse..but after reading this I felt so much stronger and decided like u said ;I would rather put things in my body to recover me,then something I need to recover from.thank you .I would love to read your book .you have no idea how grateful I am to have come across this comment .sending you all my love ♡
Your comment has been very helpful. I’m hard on myself and have been under extreme stress.
I’m so grateful I found your post. I have tears in my eyes because my prayer today was, please God help me. I felt so bad because I slipped after 19 months. Out of the blue. I cherished and fought for that time. And I was so crushed in my spirit. And now that has lifted. And I am still crying now. But not from sadness because I feel true Grace. I’ve grown up learning 1 strike and your out. That’s not true.
Please write that book. And thank you So much for your input. I’m really feeling some of the things I’ve heard about. Grace, healing, acceptance, love.
I’m not sure what I’m meant to do here.
Can someone please help me out
Thank you
Tina
What would you like to do Tina?
https://smartwww.wpengine.com/community
may help with tools and support.
All the best,
HughK
Husband and I choose to have 2 glasses of wine on Fri and Sat. By wed, I snuck some wine in my tea. But I don,t feel like a relapse. I’m not ready for abstaining. But I,ve cut back 6/8th of the time. I always eat with any alcohol.
After 6 months, a year or more of sobriety, I will get this
idea that I can have a drink or two a the end of the day.
And it never works. I will just believe that I
can drink and that I will find some magic formula.
And then I get so involved with trying to figure it out, that I stop living the life I want.
Good Grief
LOL JudithAnn,
With you all the way!
Even after 21 months my “addictive voice; PIG; Wile E Coyote – Super Genius” keeps looking for opportunities to sneakily suggest I can go backwards.
LMHO
Now I just reply, OMG you are a genius! You’ve never steered me wrong in the past! Of course I’ll do this totally unhelpful thing! Thank you so much for taking the time to chat! 🙂
At least you ARE living the life you want before you listen to yon genius 🙂
i was clean for 2 weeks, after years of drinking…and I felt great. Suddenly I got this idea of doing the ribs, that we used to marinate in …rum – seemed like a great idea, or an excuse I should rather say. Ribs were great btw…Then I said to my wife, let’s have a glass of wine with it – I am ok…
Guess what, I am not ok – we are on a holiday in Mexico now and I am struggling with the Happy Hour and tequilas that come with it… I need to fight again !
Mark
To Claire – If he feels it was a good learning experience and is still committed to sobriety – maybe don’t accuse him of sweeping it under the carpet. I had a lapse, but I also felt, because I had a good length of sobriety under my belt, that it was a bit of a learning experience. I recognized what triggered me – so am more aware of that in the future. I also felt – it took some fears in a way – because I didn’t lose what I had learned in the two plus years of sobriety and I wasn’t back to square one. Sometimes catastrophizing a slip can actually lead to a worse outcome I think than examining it calmly and moving forward.
As the founder of a drug rehab centre and a former addict myself I speak from experience when I say that lapses are very often a part of the journey to recovery and I absolutely agree with the view that lapses shouldn’t be seen as a personal failure.
Thanks Bro
Nice Article thanks for the sharing
My younger brother has struggled with addiction since his teens, and my family is helping him find a good recovery program. I think you make a great argument for viewing lapses in your recovery as a mistaken reaction to external triggers and not a failure on a personal level. I know it will be a hard path for my brother, but this has been really great advice that I can use to encourage him.
I recently I had a lapse and
Ended up smoking some crack after being sober for a year, I was so gutted in myself, but I didn’t let turn into a fall blown relapse if I did I would still be smoking crack a week later, I like the new sober me and learnt some, like which people not to go and
That I can’t have a drink of alcohol because that leads to me picking up the crack pipe, I used to think drugs helped me deal with my OCD and ADHD aspergers but it dosent it just covers all your problems up and you don’t get help, I just want to say don’t give up even when it feels like there darkness all round there is always a little bit light, gets rid of drakness
Slipped up yesterday after being 33 days clean and feel like crap. It was full blown booze and drugs and having a hard time dealing with the failure
I’m glad I read this.. Thanks for the post. We have a lot in common. Today I was feeling that I messed my recovery up after 19 months. I feel different at this moment. I still cherish all those clean months. And the years to come
It helps a lot when you mentioned how mistakes are normal and should be acknowledged and corrected. I am worried that my father is going to have a relapse soon, and I want to know what I can do to help him. I think it would help him a lot if I told him that it is okay to make mistakes as long he corrects his behavior after.
Thanks for explaining that mistakes can be used as a learning experience rather than leading to a relapse. My brother tends to give up completely whenever he cheats on his diets, but I want to make sure that he continues abstaining from drinking now that he has finally stopped. Maybe it would be best for him to talk to a professional who can help him realize that making a mistake doesn’t mean he should start drinking again.
Just found this thread and it’s been very helpful. My husband has lapsed today after 6 weeks abstinence from cocaine during which he spent 4 weeks in rehab. The rage I felt when he old me was indescribable. I’ve supported him so much and the rage built up to such an extent that I punched his arm. The regret I feel for this now is eating me up, but I just saw red and reacted. His work is at risk as his manager knows of his struggles, but he’s had to lie to him today to say he’s ill when he’s actually high and incapable of working. I hate the way our house is turned into a drugs den with cocaine littering surfaces, it almost feels like a violation.
The idea that a lapse every once in awhile can happen makes sense. My question is, when the lapses become habitual over decades and we’re no longer talking about a few or even a dozen lapses, when does a lapse become an excuse to use? The entire family is affected & the addict goes on about her merry way until she realizes the family is fed up. When is it ok for the family to say “Enough!”? The roller coaster of emotions and the anxiety from doubt, distrust and worry Is not an easy way to live. Some advice or insight would be appreciated. Thank you.
Thank you for mentioning how a lapse does not necessarily mean that you lose all of your progress while recovering. Whenever my uncle has a bad day at work, I notice that he tends to drink beer and feels like he has to give up on his addiction recovery due to his lack of self-control. Maybe a change in environment can help prevent minor mistakes from turning into relapses.
19 months November 10,2020. I drank last night, October 29,2020. Did I loose my time in sobriety? I don’t feel I did. I feel like I just lost a day. April 11,2021 new year date.
I’ve been on and off drug for about 10 years, and managed to stay off of them for about a year or two. Then I slipped up at a party and that turned into me doing drugs for months again. As of yesterday I was 9 days clean, but I messed it up. Things feel different this time. I don’t want to do them anymore. I’m feeling more motivated to put it all behind me. All of your stories are incredibly inspiring and it gives me hope! I’m just hoping that this one slip up doesn’t send me back into withdrawal again, because those are horrible.
So very honest question/comment. After a year of sobriety one stands up to say how grateful they are for their sobriety, knowingly they drank 3 or 4 times (short times) during that year. Do you tell that person “great year” 365 day of sobriety ………………………….sorry I just don’t get it, honestly trying to understand. During the pandemic my wife and I have been attending zoom meetings not just for alcohol or drugs, the zoom meeting says all programs are welcome, It’s just hard to understand a relapse is a relapse, no alcohol means no alcohol. Yes you guessed it, I’m a 12 stepper from AA, my sobriety date is 7/31/2009 continuous sobriety.