People become addicted to experiences.
Substances create experiences and behaviors create experiences. This is why we observe the move in the DSM to include diagnoses beyond mere substance use. Alcohol creates a different experience than meth. Opiates create different experiences than sexually acting out. Gambling creates a different experience than binge eating, and so on and so forth.
While there are commonalities among these experiences (for instance, dopamine), the cascade of 1s and 0s from the neurotransmitter transmissions that comprise our subjective experience is simply not the same. This is why when I have an Oreo, I don’t want speed but rather I want more Oreos. My experience of the Oreo is different than my experience of speed unless somehow I fused the two together (caffeine-infused Oreos someday?). No one in my life would say that I have or have had a problematic relationship with Oreos. Stimulants on the other hand….
Why one but not the other? What truly creates an addictive connection to an experience?
Millions of people take painkillers each year and most do not become addicted. Millions gamble yearly in Vegas and yet the vast majority do not have or develop a gambling addiction. Lots of people still have sex.
I can’t help but think that there is another type of experience that seems addictive in its nature…love. Stan Tatkin, a UCLA professor and author, provides advice about how people should date. He says that you should bring your romantic interest around your entire social network, especially those you trust, so they can give you feedback because your brain is pretty much on drugs early on in the relationship and your judgment can’t be trusted. In fact, some argue that it is the relational architecture of our brains that gets highjacked by substances. Stimulants are like falling in love. Opiates are like the peaceful, safe zone of a secure relationship.
Many do not engage in relationships in Tatkin’s way. Many cling to and build a fantasy of the other as a kind of salvation that adds a perceived purpose, meaning and excitement to existence only to find the relationship fizzle away followed by the pursuit of the next relationship. This cycle, connected to insecure attachment styles, sets a relational stage that looks to me very similar to the pattern of euphoria and withdrawal that come hand in hand with addiction.
I’ve spoken to my children about what separates use from harmful use from addiction. To me, it’s quite simple. When I experience salvation from myself in my use of a substance, a behavior or a person, that is the danger zone. There is a difference between liking something because it’s fun as opposed to doing something because I finally feel okay with me as a person, repeating that thing over and over and over again at any cost. When we develop surrogate relationships with substances, behaviors, or fantasies of other people as a means to make our life tolerable or at least a little pleasurable, even at any cost, we lose a sense of our own agency and our identity in the process. Maybe we never had it in the first place. Maybe we lost it amidst life’s ups and downs. Thank whomever for neuroplasticity! We can change this!
The Secure Base
The person with a “secure base” has less of a need for salvation because he or she is sufficient and worthwhile as he or she is; at least that’s the theory. That person can:
- abstain from toxic relationships to substances, behaviors, or people,
- use boundaries or rules for non-toxic but possibly problematic substances, behaviors and people, and
- choose to spend more time and effort developing healthy, thriving relationships that give and bring life.
How does a person develop a secure base? Through connections to healthy others that help a person to reframe, rewire, and reconnect to new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
At the core of addiction recovery is identity change. In that identity change, I reframe my experience away from the fantasy of what hasn’t worked well for me (repeatedly) and use my agency to move toward that which will. Often that use of agency means creating a system or network of support that helps me to change, staying motivated to rewire habits.
The results of this change may be called earning secure attachment, spiritual awakening, integration, being mindful, natural recovery, choice, or just simply maturity. When I am empowered to abstain, use boundaries, and pursue that which makes me thrive, I recover. I become a healthy human being and, candidly, one healthier than most people on any given day, irrespective of addiction.
With this transformation of relational perspective, the addictive connection to certain experiences loses power. I no longer find salvation in something else that makes me okay. My emotional Richter scale events drop from 10s to 5s. I have a healthy network of others that help me co-regulate when life just sucks. But mostly, I find myself worth living my life as my own agent, purposefully crafting my friends and network to get what I want, and not screwing it up further with things I know will not work. We mature through our experiences, so long as we are willing to learn from them.
For some of us, we learn these lessons in SMART Recovery meetings, in therapy, or simply through life. When we learn these lessons, we mature and we become empowered to thrive past that which has held us back (substances, behaviors, and/or people).
* This is a guest blog provided by Samuel Renwick, a SMART Recovery community member. This article does not reflect the views of SMART Recovery as an organization.
Great read. Is a healthy connection to others essentially saying that one will need a support group (SMART/12 step/etc), or a therapist, or even a community like church in order to make his or her new identity. Is one able to transform without the major social element or deep relational components that occurs with a therapist?
Will, great question. There certainly is evidence that some people just decide to stop and that begins a process of identity change, for example from “I’m trying to quit“ to “I’m not a smoker”. They don’t use groups to do it, they just do it. That said, it’s easier to do things when connected into healthy support networks than doing things solo or in isolation.
Any book on habit change will speak to the benefits of being around others that help me reframe, rewire, keep hope, stay motivated and continue to learn/grow on my path. This doesn’t mean necessarily support groups or therapy, it just means healthy others although support groups and therapy can be extraordinarily beneficial to the process.
There are many paths to change for sure but it seems the most reliable ones are when I design my relationships to match what I truly want out of life, as best as I can.
Addiction is viewed as a biopsychosocial disorder. Improving the social elements can help to change the psycho and bio sides of the equation. I’ve seen people transform in CrossFit and other groups as well.
I think this is different for each individual. The common thread is not to isolate.
This is an excellent article, thank you.
TRULY AMAZING PERSPECTIVE AND APPROACH
The path of rewiring and reconnecting is truly a challenge but moment by moment it is ALL possible. When we decide to commit ourselves wholeheartedly to change.
On the same coin of addiction is connection and when we connect with ourselves through self love and appreciation there seems to be a monumental shift in our consciousness that help propel and elevate us through the darkness into the light
Great article Sam! Where it is stated that “…when we indulge in addictive behaviors, we lose our identity in the process,” I wonder if we are willing to pay that price because of the “perceived” replacement for intimacy. Something we all crave.
I ran across this site looking for some information for a friend that’s incarcerated and also is dealing with addiction problems. I too am dealing with these problems and when I read this article it seem to fit perfectly and made so much sense. I am hopeful that I will gain some knowledge and possibly the tools to overcome my addictions. Thank you .
Also how many times I’ve had a secure base or so I thought I was doing good. Why is it with one bad day all that is forgotten and one bad decision is made and you’re sobriety goes out the door? How can you prevent that from happening even with all the good resources I had?
Melissa,
I’m sorry to hear of the current circumstance you are in. I hope it becomes a catalyst for a shift inside you toward that which helps you to thrive…but that process is by no means easy.
The way you frame your sobriety “going out the door” suggests that you view this recovery thing in an all or nothing manner and the reality is that it’s more like a learning process. We are learning to live in this world without a coping mechanism and just like the child learning to walk, sometimes he falls. This does not mean that the child is not a walker but rather that the child is in the middle of a process of learning a skill to live a different way. Falling is part of the process of learning what not to do to figure out how to walk. To me, the only failure truly ever is just giving up and not trying to learn to walk or, in recovery world, picking yourself up from your bad day, dust yourself off, get back to what was working, figuring out what didn’t work and get back to the business of living your life well.
Being around others who are on a similar journey can help immensely. Making sense of your past can help address emotional triggers. Connecting into your greater purpose can help promote resiliency in the future to withstand things when life just sucks. Most of all, view this process as a growing and learning process and don’t doubt that you too will “walk”, just like so many others who’ve gone before you.
Hi Melissa, thank you for your post because it made me feel less alone and that’s a good thing
Cheers,
Kevin