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  1. #1
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    Default My 4th of July Experiment

    It was July 4, 2005 and I decided it was time conduct a little experiment.

    Here’s what was happening. I started to notice that I was obsessed with wine-o’clock, or rather, in my case, Scotch-o’clock. But what does it really matter, wine, Scotch, drugs, gambling, whatever, it all boils down to the same thing to me – I felt like I couldn’t live without my drug of choice. I obsessed about it during the day, a lot, and I rushed home to it at night. I got hungover from it in the mornings and then I miraculously kept forgetting each evening how lousy I had felt in the morning. For me, my drinking was wash, rinse, repeat, for so many years, decades actually, that I finally lost track of it all.

    So, here’s the experiment and I imagine lots of you have done it. On July 4, 2005, I decided to give up drinking for 30 days to prove to myself that I could give up drinking anytime I wanted to. And I did it, but it wasn’t easy. I was climbing the walls a lot of the time, just about overcome with urges, watching other people drinking and almost hating their guts. Not sleeping well. Bitchy. Frustrated. Angry. Nervous. Just really uptight.

    But I made it and then I did what I also imagine some of you have done. I got drunk, very drunk, to celebrate the fact that I had made it through 30 days without drinking. Sound familiar? And I paid a huge price for it. I was sick all night and fell over and broke my leg at 4 in the morning.

    Hmmm. That didn’t go so well.

    And that was that. The rest is history and you’ve heard me talk about it before, so I won’t turn this into one of my super long posts.

    I will say that it’s 15 years later and life hasn’t been real kind to me. I was traumatized by being in a car crash and then losing my beloved man, David, a few months later when he keeled over one morning and died from brain hemorrhage. And then on top of it, I was diagnosed with Chronic Leukemia, which isn’t much fun. And now there’s the pandemic. And that sure as hell is very daunting.

    I currently have one close friend in the hospital with pneumonia, another with bladder cancer and another with prostate cancer. My heart is just aching for those I love and for those who are suffering from Covid 19.

    But you see, I still don’t drink. I get pissed off at it all and I wail, and I grieve but I don’t drink, and I don’t take drugs, period. End of story. There’s no negotiating allowed on that subject.

    I choose sobriety and I treasure it because it’s something I can control in a world that feels like it’s spinning out of control.

    So wherever you are heading to on this crazy weekend ahead of us, please remember that it’s up to you whether you pick up again or not. It’s always your choice.

    Have a great weekend.

    Sending my heart to all of you. ❤️

    Kevagne (questor7)
    "The central human drama is not wanting the experience we are having"

  2. #2
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    Default

    I tried something similar when I turned 60 on Nov. 2, 2014 - that's it, I've had enough. Apparently, I was wrong and had 1 more drunk in me. However, I found Smart in Dec. 2014 and haven't chosen to drink since.

    I recently listened to the audio version of you "playing the tape". A great reminder and a lovely voice.

    James
    I can't always make it better but I don't have to make it any worse.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwg54 View Post
    I tried something similar when I turned 60 on Nov. 2, 2014 - that's it, I've had enough. Apparently, I was wrong and had 1 more drunk in me. However, I found Smart in Dec. 2014 and haven't chosen to drink since.

    I recently listened to the audio version of you "playing the tape". A great reminder and a lovely voice.

    James
    Hi James

    It's so good to hear that you haven't chosen to drink again since 2014. Wtg! As far as I can tell, living sober is a much better way to live, no matter what life dishes out.

    Thank you for your kind remark about the Playing the Tape. That story is a good reminder to me as well.

    Best to you.

    Kevagne (questor7)
    "The central human drama is not wanting the experience we are having"

  4. #4
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    Ah questor! I once read or listened to your playing the tape too, and I haven't been able to locate it since. Can you help me? I even very recently posted about it in my blog.

    Thanks for showing me a way.
    Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobbing View Post
    Ah questor! I once read or listened to your playing the tape too, and I haven't been able to locate it since. Can you help me? I even very recently posted about it in my blog.

    Thanks for showing me a way.
    Hi Bobbing

    I'm glad you asked because I actually didn't know where it was located. I just found the link: https://smartrecovery.org/a-not-so-perfect-high-2/

    Enjoy!

    Best to you
    q7
    "The central human drama is not wanting the experience we are having"

  6. #6

    Default

    Questor 7 is a bad a-s. Your post really helped me over the years. So glad you are here at SROL. Peace.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by komoto View Post
    Questor 7 is a bad a-s. Your post really helped me over the years. So glad you are here at SROL. Peace.
    I really like being called a Bad a-s. Maybe I'll change my name here to Bad A-s questor. Thank you so much. I've had trouble smiling today, but what you wrote just brightened my day. I'm so glad you're here as well.

    Take care.
    Kevagne (questor7)
    "The central human drama is not wanting the experience we are having"

  8. #8
    GJBXVI's Avatar
    GJBXVI is offline Distance Training Program Coordinator
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    Ah, Questor...it's ALWAYS so good to hear from you!

    Jim
    "Every new day is another chance to change your life."
    Supporting SMART is easy! CLICK HERE

  9. #9
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    Thnak you so much it's even better than what I remember! All my best wishes to you!
    Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always.

  10. #10
    Gordon1's Avatar
    Gordon1 is offline SMART Online Facilitator
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    Thankyou very much Questor7 - uplifting and inspiring
    What got me sober was trying to get sober. Often when I lapsed, picked up, drank, I FELT thoroughly beaten. I thought at that time "there is no hope for me" Yet, when I had recovered from that thought just a little, I thought "I'll have another go!" It was a few little sparks, rather than a flame, that got me here!

  11. #11
    Moderator JvB's Avatar
    Moderator JvB is offline SMART Super Moderator
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    Questor
    "Take an optimistic rather than pessimistic view on yourself and your future - as long as you do not take to unrealistic extremes." Albert Ellis

  12. #12
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    You have always been an inspiration to me! You are definitely one of the bricks in my foundation. I am at 5 years and just posted my own SS today. You are a part of that.

    Thank you for being a Smartie!
    “Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in her”


  13. #13
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    Hi Questor7

    I hope you are well.

    I am on day 2. Yesterday was a big day! In my familiarising with the site I happened upon this blog and listened to your 'playing the tape'. I hear your words both written and spoken and they fill me with hope through ownership. Your words "nothing will make me drink" is the place I look forward to seeing. That seems very far away right now but today isn't over and tomorrow isn't here yet. Thank you for your words.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by LobsterTank View Post
    You have always been an inspiration to me! You are definitely one of the bricks in my foundation. I am at 5 years and just posted my own SS today. You are a part of that.

    Thank you for being a Smartie!
    LT, I just replied to your magnificent post which, by the way, helps keep my monkey mind in its place as well. You also have been part of my continuing path of sobriety.

    Best to you

    q7
    "The central human drama is not wanting the experience we are having"

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Johno-39 View Post
    Hi Questor7

    I hope you are well.

    I am on day 2. Yesterday was a big day! In my familiarising with the site I happened upon this blog and listened to your 'playing the tape'. I hear your words both written and spoken and they fill me with hope through ownership. Your words "nothing will make me drink" is the place I look forward to seeing. That seems very far away right now but today isn't over and tomorrow isn't here yet. Thank you for your words.
    Hi Johno-39

    Thank you for your wonderful reply to my post. And congratulations on day 2 which I'm thinking has turned into day 3 as I write to you. I do hope you will take advantage of all the support and tools that Smart has to offer. The more you do that, the more you will find yourself able to live by the slogan, "nothing will make me drink." One thing I've learned for sure through all the ups and downs I have been through is that when it comes to drinking or not drinking, it always up to me, it's always my choice. I wish you well.

    Best to you

    q7
    "The central human drama is not wanting the experience we are having"

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