Where would I be without Smart Recovery...probably drunk or high
Where would I be without Smart Recovery? Probably drunk or high.
I’ve been through a lot, but my journey of recovery began at 4:00 am in the morning on August 4, 2005. Lying face down on the floor where I had just fallen and broken my ankle, after a long night of unpleasant visits to the bathroom, I reflected on what had happened the night before. It seems I had gotten it into my monkey mind that since I had stayed sober for 30 days straight, it was time to celebrate. So I got drunk. Very drunk. And very sick. Go figure.
But lying there on the floor, I had an epiphany. I knew that I was done getting high. Done getting drunk. Done running away and numbing myself. I found Smart Recovery a few days later.
Many things happened to me after that fateful morning. Dogs had to be put down. Both my parents died. My spiritual mentor died. My partner’s parents died. Did I drink over any of that? No. I went to Smart Meetings. I grieved, I cried, I got angry and frustrated but I didn’t drink or use.
Then more stuff happened. I was in a car crash that I was surprised to survive. A few months later my dearly beloved partner, David, woke up one morning, fell over and died of a brain hemorrhage later that day. Did I drink or use? No. I reached out to many friends for support, went to more Smart meetings and found a way to get through it all clean and sober.
Not long after David died, I was having severe panic attacks and insomnia and if that wasn’t enough to deal with, I got diagnosed with chronic leukemia. Did I drink? No, but I was pissed off as hell at life. And then I reached out to friends and went to more Smart Recovery meetings.
Now we have the pandemic and civil unrest. I still have chronic leukemia and insomnia. (I finally put a stop to the panic attacks.) I still don’t drink or use or get numb or run away.
Do I get urges? Hell yes. There are times when I just want to throw in the towel and get so high that I’ll never come back from it. But then there is my loyal companion, Smart Recovery, that has taught me so many things, one of which is to play the tape to the end of the story. That one, amongst many others has saved my butt more times than I can say.
So where would I be without Smart Recovery? Probably drunk or high…or maybe even dead.
It’s truly a tough time to be alive on this planet, but isn’t it wonderful to know that there’s nothing out there that can make you drink or use? I know that no matter what, I always have a choice and despite these times of uncertainty, that’s something that can never be taken away from me.
As always, I tip my hat to you Smart Recovery and to all the people that make up this wonderful community of ours. I don’t know where I would be without you.
Sending you my heart ❤️
Kevagne Kalisch (aka questor7)
