1 Attachment(s)
Celebrating 15 years of sobriety
Attachment 4947
That big guy on the left is my monkey mind telling me, "Oh come on, you can have just one drink...."
My answer these days is always, " Really? Not now, not ever."
Now I do remember a time when urges seemed like a really big deal. They were no laughing matter. And I white knuckled my way through them as best I could. Or I just gave in, feeling it was all too much to deal with.
In 2005, after recovering from a night of drinking that ended me up in the ER with a broken ankle, I hobbled around on crutches thinking that my life really sucked and the whole world sucked and how was I supposed to get through life without booze, and I was feeling so ashamed of the reason that I was on crutches...and then I bought a Big Book and started reading it and really couldn't see myself going back to AA. After all, I had already done a stint there for 2 years and in the end didn't feel I had changed in any way, not really. I did enjoy the social life and not waking up with hangovers felt good. But, one day, a guy I had started seeing, a "normie" we called people like him, well, he asked me out for a drink. With no hesitation, I accepted the invitation. And then the years just rolled by and I kept drinking until that night when I broke my ankle.
It was only a few days later after that fateful night in 2005 that I googled for alternatives to AA. And Smart came into my life. Thankfully, I didn't feel a moment's hesitation about embarking on a journey that was going to really turn my life upside down for a while. I went to meeting after meeting after meeting. I downloaded everything I could and worked the tools to the best of my ability. And I managed to start living sober and even enjoying my newfound sobriety. I must admit though, at the time, I found it hard to imagine that I would actually stay sober 15 months, let alone 15 years.
And yet, here I am celebrating 15 years, clean and sober. Has it been easy? Hell no. Has it been rewarding? A lot of the time. Fun, yep that too. Terrifying, frustrating, scary, depressing, all of the above. It's been a real mixed bag and sometimes I've wondered how I got through it all. And then I began to understand that I got through it because I chose to get through it.
But I do have a little secret to share. The real reason I didn't pick up again is not because I have a lot of will power nor is it that I'm stronger or better than anyone else. It's actually because when I use my favorite tool called 'Playing The Tape' and see the movie playing of me throwing away all my hard won sober time, I find it so devastating that I feel like I might not ever recover from it. That one tool has kept me sober more times than I can remember.
I just want say that I did not get here alone. There were so many Smarties along the way that encouraged me and some who definitely gave me a kick in the butt when I needed it. There were also the dear friends here who helped me grieve over some of the traumatic events that life unexpectedly brought my way. I don't know where I'd be without all the support you gave me.
So my bottom line is always that I have a choice no matter what life brings on. Living with chronic leukemia during a pandemic is definitely hard to manage. But strangely, there has been a silver lining in it for me. Being closed in for so many months has really brought me face to face with my reality and also caused me to appreciate each breath I take. And I'm grateful that I don't have Covid and that I have a roof over my head, plenty of food on the table, and some really beautiful friendships.
So, that's it. That's my celebration story. And by the way, if you're feeling like it's all too much and you just can't stop your addictive behavior, think again. It's your choice. You really can do it.
Best to all of you
q7
P.S. If you want to hear the recording of my "Playing The Tape" story called a A Not So Perfect High" go to this link: https://smartrecovery.org/a-not-so-perfect-high-2/
