Three years ago today I thought I had put my last drink down and life was going to all blue skies and roses.
What I found was that putting the drink down and saying 'I'm done...' was the easy part. What came after, trying to live a life without it, turned out to be one of the hardest achievements I could attain. Four lapses/slips later I can proudly say that alcohol has not crossed my lips in over 18 months.
"But wait," some think, "doesn't that mean you're only 18 months sober?"
If I believed the old thinking that every time I had a drink I was a failure and had to start over, then yes, that would be the case. But I've learned, through SMART Recovery, that this is defeatist type thinking, and that it is more important to learn from those lapses. Each of those experiences taught me that using alcohol to deal with difficult things in life, or to enhance experiences, doesn't do either of those things. Life is so much purer and enjoyable without it, and that facing issues actually resolves them, instead of hiding from my emotions, I could face them.
I still have difficulty at times. For 30 years i, figuratively, put everything into a bottle or chemically altered my brain to feel good about my life. Managing emotions without substances is hard if you've never really tried. Dealing with difficult memories and events from the past that are still there and must be faced and challenged, must be laid to rest so one can move forward.
I think that was my biggest achievement in this past year... Forgiveness. While i forgave myself for what I had done in the past in the earlier stages, this year it was about forgiving others. It was enlightening to come to understand why people do the things they do, to discover that there are reasons behind others' behaviour. There could be trauma in their own past, or improper or unaware teaching of inappropriate ways of thinking and behavior. I forgave those most important and most deserving of it. I accepted that, while they may be at fault, because our behaviors are choices we make, they are not to blame.
I think that I can effectively say that I'm out of recovery at this point. Knowing that I've stood in front of rows of liquor bottles with cash in hand, or that I've had a weekend to myself at home with alcohol in the house, and said 'nah, I'm good' assures me that that chapter is done. I can move forward, knowing that I can handle the difficulties to come.
As I sit here listening to Pink Floyd the Wall, I rediscover the album as not just a story/movie that I used to get all ****** up to enjoy, but, ironically, one of the truest representations of the cycle of addiction and recovery. Past trauma, using substances to deal with difficulties in life, building up that wall higher and higher to hide, and the eventual collapse under the weight of it all.
Recovery is possible if you put in the effort. SMART Recovery works.
#sober4life #smartrecovery
