My 4th of July Experiment
It was July 4, 2005 and I decided it was time conduct a little experiment.
Here’s what was happening. I started to notice that I was obsessed with wine-o’clock, or rather, in my case, Scotch-o’clock. But what does it really matter, wine, Scotch, drugs, gambling, whatever, it all boils down to the same thing to me – I felt like I couldn’t live without my drug of choice. I obsessed about it during the day, a lot, and I rushed home to it at night. I got hungover from it in the mornings and then I miraculously kept forgetting each evening how lousy I had felt in the morning. For me, my drinking was wash, rinse, repeat, for so many years, decades actually, that I finally lost track of it all.
So, here’s the experiment and I imagine lots of you have done it. On July 4, 2005, I decided to give up drinking for 30 days to prove to myself that I could give up drinking anytime I wanted to. And I did it, but it wasn’t easy. I was climbing the walls a lot of the time, just about overcome with urges, watching other people drinking and almost hating their guts. Not sleeping well. Bitchy. Frustrated. Angry. Nervous. Just really uptight.
But I made it and then I did what I also imagine some of you have done. I got drunk, very drunk, to celebrate the fact that I had made it through 30 days without drinking. Sound familiar? And I paid a huge price for it. I was sick all night and fell over and broke my leg at 4 in the morning.
Hmmm. That didn’t go so well.
And that was that. The rest is history and you’ve heard me talk about it before, so I won’t turn this into one of my super long posts.
I will say that it’s 15 years later and life hasn’t been real kind to me. I was traumatized by being in a car crash and then losing my beloved man, David, a few months later when he keeled over one morning and died from brain hemorrhage. And then on top of it, I was diagnosed with Chronic Leukemia, which isn’t much fun. And now there’s the pandemic. And that sure as hell is very daunting.
I currently have one close friend in the hospital with pneumonia, another with bladder cancer and another with prostate cancer. My heart is just aching for those I love and for those who are suffering from Covid 19.
But you see, I still don’t drink. I get pissed off at it all and I wail, and I grieve but I don’t drink, and I don’t take drugs, period. End of story. There’s no negotiating allowed on that subject.
I choose sobriety and I treasure it because it’s something I can control in a world that feels like it’s spinning out of control.
So wherever you are heading to on this crazy weekend ahead of us, please remember that it’s up to you whether you pick up again or not. It’s always your choice.
Have a great weekend.
Sending my heart to all of you. ❤️
Kevagne (questor7)
