14 Christmases and all the days in between without alcohol or drugs
Greetings dear friends.
I woke up today without a hangover and felt so glad to be alive. For those of you who don't know me...well...here's a little of my story. In 2005 I decided to quit using and drinking. That actually turned out to be the easy part. Unbeknownst to me, I would be facing the shock of a traumatic car crash and the sudden loss of my beloved partner who had a brain hemorrhage. And as if that wasn't enough, I eventually got diagnosed with Chronic Leukemia, for which I have found no cure. A lot to handle for sure. And all of that was the hardest part to deal with, the stuff I had to face sober on a daily basis, big stuff and little stuff. But all the way through this journey, I knew that I had a choice. I could feel helpless, if I chose... I could feel like a victim, if I chose...I could beat myself up about my past and feel guilty, if I chose. I learned about making choices when I attended my first Smart meetings. Oh of course, I had heard of the idea before...I mean who hasn't heard that we always have a choice. But it didn't really ring true for me until I started using the Smart tools. When I began to examine my anger issues by doing ABC's, I started feeling self empowered when I got triggered. I realized that I could change my self talk from "This is awful" to "I would prefer things to be different." My dear mentor, Arby, used to keep saying to me, "It's all about choices, questor."
I did my CBA over and over. And the result was always the same. The costs of my drinking far outweighed the benefits. And my favorite tool became playing the tape forward. I can't even count the times I have looked at an urge and played out a movie in my mind about giving in to it. The outcome was always the same...I would get drunk, feel good for a while, pass out, wake up the next day hating myself, wanting to die, withdrawing from friends, feeling ashamed...etc etc. So for all these years, I have never once gotten high again. Because I don't want to? Hell no. Because the price is too high to pay.
Do I still get urges? Omg yes! But not so many these days. And they now seem like tiny little puppies that are nipping at my heels, just a little annoying but not overwhelming, even somewhat amusing. Has it been easy for me? No. I suffered from years of panic attacks and still live with a whole lot of insomnia. I used to get very angry when I woke up at night and couldn't get back to sleep. Now I meditate...for as long as it takes until I can sleep. And I meditate during the day as well. And I chant Tibetan Mantras. I do whatever it takes to feel good, to enjoy life. For a long time, my life was about "not drinking" , trying to get through the day without getting high. But now, my life is rich and interesting and challenging. I'm constantly looking for a way to learn more about myself and others and I look for every way possible to share with other people what I have learned in hopes that I can inspire them to stay sober, to enjoy their lives.
Thank you, all of you, who walk this path with me. I could not have done this alone.
Sending love
questor7
