A blog provided by Kathy Lang, SMART Recovery Family & Friends Facilitator
All healthy relationships are based on respecting other’s rights. When we respect each other’s rights, we are recognizing our boundaries. Boundaries are guidelines that define what we feel are permissible ways for other people to treat us.
Most of the time we don’t acknowledge or think about it, but these boundaries operate beneath the surface of our relationships – even how much physical space we keep between us, when it is appropriate to touch someone, when and what favors to ask someone, what kind of information to share with another, etc. Some of these things are embedded in our family and cultural background, explaining the importance of understanding expectations when we deal with people from backgrounds different from ours. But even when we are dealing with shared expectations, problems can arise.
Many conflicts between human beings have their roots in boundary problems. When I was growing up there was hardly a newspaper in the country that didn’t publish a “Dear Ann Landers” column. So we’d eagerly await each day’s column to see what advice our neighbors were seeking. Invariably the columns were filled with brides angry with mothers trying to dictate their wedding plans, high schoolers resentful of parents dictating their college choice, and mothers-in-law feeling overburdened by the demands of a son’s wife. Why is this?
It’s because people aren’t perfect and we sometimes intentionally or unintentionally tread on someone else’s rights. When we do this in healthy relationships, it gets resolved through honest and respectful communication. Sometimes it requires negotiation. Perhaps the bride sits down with her mother to air her objections and hears how much the wedding celebration means to her mother and the rest of her family. Ideally they come to some meeting of the minds about what the celebration will be.
When addiction is an issue, boundary problems multiply quickly. Often behaviors unacceptable to family members become common. The addicted individual borrows money he doesn’t pay back or lies to cover up the truth of his activities. And often family members let these behaviors slide in an effort to help (what will happen if my loved one can’t pay his rent?) or keep peace (I’m tired of fighting about it!). Family members feel they are trying to help, but the addiction continues and sometimes gets worse. Suddenly things feel very much out of control as a wall is being constructed between them and their loved one. As founder of the successful CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) Program, Dr. Bob Myers said, “what starts out as helping turns into relationship poison.” That’s typically when family members come to SMART looking for answers.
The answer we provide is that they have the power of choice. They have the ability to let their loved one know how his or her behavior is impacting them and damaging the relationship. Through the use of the SMART Recovery Family & Friends Handbook and attendance at online or face-to-face meetings, family and friends learn how to take responsibility for calmly, clearly, and consistently communicating their boundaries in order to restore a healthier relationship.
Here at SMART for Family & Friends, they discover that their behaviors and their loved one’s addictive behavior have something in common. Both are “quick-fix, short-term solutions.” Both minimize discomfort but only for the moment, and both have negative consequences in the long run. Ultimately, both parties face the same choice: to continue on the path of short-term gratification or move to the more rewarding path of recovery.
At SMART, families come to understand that the purpose of boundaries is not to punish or manipulate their loved one into changing. However, they also learn that effective, healthy boundaries go a long way as an antidote for negative behaviors. Participants practice communicating and protecting the boundaries that can help improve their relationship rather than continuing to build that wall between themselves and their loved one by nagging, pleading, threatening, and arguing.
They also come to realize that boundaries are a two-way street. Family members understand they have crossed their loved one’s boundaries by trying to force him or her to give up the addictive behavior. They come to accept that it is their loved one who has to make that choice (or not). As much as they want the addiction to end, SMART participants recognize their boundaries cannot make this happen. But family and friends are pleased to discover that sometimes their actions can encourage their loved one to consider recovery, while at the same time making their own lives more manageable.
About SMART Recovery Family & Friends
SMART Recovery Family & Friends helps those who are affected by the substance abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, or other addictions of a loved one. Our program is a science-based, secular alternative to Al-Anon and Johnson Intervention, and our method is based on the tools of SMART Recovery and CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). CRAFT aims to teach family and friends self-protection and non-confrontational communication skills to help their addicted loved one find recovery.
You can find Family & Friends meetings both in-person and online.
- Find a local meeting: Please click here to search for a local SMART Recovery Family & Friends meeting.
- Register for online meetings: To participate in the online Family & Friends meetings, registration is required at the SMART Recovery Online website: www.smartrecovery.org/community.
If you are interested in starting a Family & Friends meeting in your local area, we would love to hear from you. Please click here to learn more about starting a Family & Friends meeting.
Click here to read more about SMART Recovery Family & Friends.
Thank you for this. I find the definition of “boundaries” to be unclear. Could someone provide clear examples of boundaries that aren’t rules or requirements for others behaviors? It sounds so easy but in reality when dealing with my family members who have drug and alcohol addiction the boundaries get blurred. For example, if my son comes over high or clearly using I want him to leave our home, however that is a rule telling him what to do. Typically a boundary would be about my behavior but how do I handle this? “If you come over high, I will leave my own house or go upstairs to my bedroom.” That is not acceptable to me. Comparisons and contrasts would be very helpful on this topic. Thanks.
Hi Tracy, Not sure you’ll see this post after so long a lapse in time, but as an exercise for myself and hopefully for other readers, I’ll attempt to answer your question.
If we look at Page 75 in the SR Family & Friends handbook, we learn that healthy boundaries are a way to remind ourselves and others that our trust, affection, time, energy health and friendship have value, which is probably the reason our loved one would come to our house.
Now look at the Healthy Boundary Building Beliefs on page 114. Each of us are entitled to basic rights, which come with the responsibility of protecting them.
If you were to tell your son, you can’t come to the house, that would be a rule. But if you FEEL something that imposes on one of the rights just outlined, an action is needed. Simply state that feeling, along with what you need or want. If the boundary is disregarded, we then need to take a protective action – not a punishment, but a natural stop to the unwanted offense.
Here’s a simple formula: When you do (X), I feel (Y). I need/want (Z). So perhaps your protective action would go something like this: I love to see you, but when you come to the house under the influence, I feel very anxious, frustrated and unsure of my safety. I need to feel rested and hopeful so I can be available for you and everyone in our family. You are welcome to come here when you are sober. If you are using, please come another time.
“If you come to my house high, I will not allow you to come in/stay. ”
That tells him what YOU are willing/not willing to do.