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Susanj
– 40s, Arkansas
Member,
Message Board Volunteer, SMART Recovery® Online
Former maladaptive behavior: alcohol, anorexia, self-harm
Sober: two years and counting
With
ten months of miserable sobriety under my belt and a State board
decision hanging over my head, I was desperate to flaunt the system
and avoid AA at any cost. I wandered into the cyber-halls of SMART
Recovery® and found a place I now refer to as my home
site.
Nearly 20 years of alcohol abuse was just the tip of the
iceberg for me. I had been battling suicidal depression, self-abuse,
and anorexia for 30 years. I was not a happy camper. Still in agony
from my last “mental breakdown” 10 months earlier, I set
out to achieve one goal. I wanted to be sober for one year and one
day.
My entire goal system was set up around getting my
license to practice nursing and creating a life that I believed would
miraculously change my outlook and therefore my behavior. The right
job was going to cure my ills. Little did I realize when I finally
found the guts to post a hello that I was about to set off on the
journey of a life time. I posted daily, read as much as my eyes
and brain could take, sat in daily meetings, and generally just did
the minimum. But the reading began to lead me into a place where a
year and a day didn’t seem so difficult.
Using the
tools at SMART Recovery®, I started looking at all of the
behaviors that had long contributed to my personal misery. I started
digging very deeply into my thoughts and beliefs.
For
a few months my life was littered with post-its,(my best
brainstorming tool) , boxes of tissue, and poster boards with an
ongoing CBA. I posted in a group that encouraged me to speak up and
out, cheered me when I was struggling, commiserated with me when I
was sad, and made me laugh. Every day I could feel tiny changes, I
would be happily posting along and something would appear on the
screen that seemed as if I were writing to myself. As I shared my
journey with other’s I found that I was sharing theirs too. As
I was writing to offer ideas to virtual strangers, I was a virtual
stranger to myself. I was writing to me, too!
And I began
to learn new ways of thinking.
Well, I got my license and
still have to attend mandatory AA meetings, but I learned that is
wasn’t a forced-to-attend issue. It was a choice I made. I
could walk away from any of it anytime I wanted, I would just have to
pay a price. The benefits certainly outweighed the costs. And
hanging out at SMART Recovery® made AA not only tolerable, it
made it functional in my life. It taught me how to accept the ideals
of others and draw knowledge and support from them. SMART Recovery®
was an opportunity for me to choose the direction in which I wanted
to grow.
I have been here for a year and a few months. I
can say (with professional documentation) that my chronic long term
depression is in remission. That self-harm rarely poses itself as an
option for coping. For the first time since I was 14 years old my
body is in good health. And in about a week I will commemorate 2
years of relapse and slip-free sobriety. Perhaps, the one thing I
learned from SMART Recovery® was that I could make choices. And
the choice I made was to learn to be happy, and to continue striving
towards that goal in my daily living.
I got my first job in
my chosen career (at 44 years old) and told the interviewer that I
could not possibly imagine being happier than I was during that
interview. I have since had to apologize to her for the oversight.
Every day brings me another option to choose wellness and
happiness. And every day gives me another chance to speak out loud
about the benefits of finding a recovery system or systems that work
for you. How distant that year and a day seem now, I am wallowing
in my present with a slight glance into a future that is within my
power to create.
Well, you have my permission to use this for
whatever, but if you find a captive audience, throw them a pillow,
give them a cup of coffee, get them comfy. My mouth and my fingers
aren’t tired yet and I still have tons to say.
Hugs
and hiccups (Be well and courageous too)
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