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Melissa's
Story
Melissa writes:
When I heard the knock on the door, I had no idea my life was about to change.
"You're the worst of all of them. You're the mother, you should know
better."
That's what the detective who came to my house that day said to me. I can still
see him standing in front of me, judging me. As I sat on my couch, the other
detectives searched through my house and found pipes, dope and forged documents.
I was in utter shock and denial. My little girl was clueless as to what was
going on, but she felt something was up. My oldest was at school and to this day
I am grateful for that.
I lost my home, my kids, my job, my friends, and basically my life to that drug.
It had reached inside and taken over, and I had allowed that to happen. I mean,
I've used some substance or another since I was about 15, unless you count the
things my mom gave to me when I was younger. I suppose you could say that the
only way I knew how to cope with anything was by taking one mind altering
substance or another.
Needless to say, I found myself at a place that I'd never been before. The only
way I knew how to cope was to use the skills that had gotten me in that
predicament in the first place. It was obvious by the previous fifteen years of
drug use that I had no clue on how to cope with my environment in a manner that
did not include some form of mind altering substance or maladaptive behavior.
I'm telling you this because I want you to have a good idea as to where I was
when I first found SMART.
I found the SOL community by doing an Internet search, and I decided to try it
out because it made sense to me. There was this huge emphasis on
self-empowerment, and for myself, the thought of not having control over my
behaviors seemed hopeless. I figured that if I had gotten myself into this mess,
then I best learn how to get myself out.
I began to attend meetings and post on the message board, and the replies that I
received were encouraging and heartfelt. I made myself a home on the boards
those first few months, and let out every thought that crossed my mind. I have
no doubt that had it not been for the amount of time I spent posting and in the
chatroom, I would have slipped far more times than I did those first few months.
With each slip came a new recognition, and with each of my recognitions came a
newfound strength. For each step back I took two steps forward. I learned the
tools and how to apply them, and with some trial and error I began to really get
it.
In the meantime, I was doing everything that was asked of me to get my kids
back. There was a few times when I became upset with the situation I was in, as
though I had not caused it or it should not be happening to me. Again I found
the tools to be my foundation for changing those beliefs. My family could see
the difference, as I did not react to them as they were accustomed to. The girls
began to show an improvement, not only in their behavior, but also in their
appearance as I learned how to balance the things required of me and the things
I felt were important.
The courts wouldn't recognize SMART as a valid recovery program for me, since
the only way I could participate was online, so I managed to get myself into an
intensive outpatient treatment program for mothers with children. I found myself
resentful of the fact that I had to take my kids with me, while my husband only
had to worry about himself. Also, I had to go to group four days a week compared
to his one. I began to feel like the words that detective said to me were true,
I was the worst out of all of them. I didn't
understand why I was in the most intensive program out of all the people there
that day. It didn't seem fair to me.
This belief was enforced around August when I learned that charges had been
filed against me for the forged documents they found in my apartment. They
charged me with four felony forgeries and one misdemeanor theft by deception. I
felt devastated, and again thought it completely unfair. I saw myself awfulizing,
over generalizing, and "shoulding" all over myself once again. But
that was the key point, I SAW myself. I had somehow managed to come to a point
in which I slowed down my thoughts enough to recognize what was going on.
Instead of seeing it as something I had to deal with, I changed my perception to
that of choosing to deal with it. I was choosing to accept the consequences for
my past behavior, and not copping out by blaming others.
Had it not been for the SMART community, I would have found myself panicked and
lost among my thoughts and triggers. I received such a showing of support from
the members here, that I was truly touched. Even after all the things I had
done, I was truly accepted for being myself. At the time I didn't realize it,
but when I look back today, I can see that acceptance was all around me. I
received letters of recommendation to take to court with me, pats on the back
for successes, and an honest approach to helping me apply the tools.
When the day came for me to stand in front of the judge and be sentenced, I was
much calmer than I ever expected to be. I knew that I had done absolutely
everything that I could do, and that I could not control anything except myself.
I was actually in awe of the judge that day in court, as I watched him deal with
those before me, and when my turn came to stand in front of him, I believed that
he would hand down the best sentence for the situation.
Shortly after the sentencing, I was awarded full custody of my girls, and the
case against me with the Department of Child and Family Services was closed. I
had gone from losing everything to a brand new start in a matter of 9 months. If
someone had told me that I would come so far in such a short period of time, I
would not have believed him or her. Yet, somehow, I had done just that. I have
recently started college full-time, and remain an active volunteer within the
SMART community.
Not too long ago I had what might be referred to as an AHA moment. When I look
back, however, I see it as a moment in which I accepted. From the first time
that I set a new boundary, to the CBA I used to decide what to do with my
marriage, SMART has shown me how to empower myself to make the changes that were
in my better interest. If I had not taken the tools and applied them, I have no
idea where I would be today. My children are happier, my marriage is stronger,
and I now have the knowledge and tools to be able to maintain my sobriety today.
There have been many times when I wanted to give up, or just let go of the
fight, and those are the times when SMART was the most useful to me. I would
show up in the chatroom late at night, and there would be a listening ear
available. No judgments were ever made regarding what I was saying, and there
was not a single moment in which I did not feel as though I were a member of
this community.
SMART is not the only recovery process I have in my life, but I can say that it
is the one that has given me the tools to make the most life changes.
Melissa
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