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Dee–Ohio
F2F Member, Member and Message Board Volunteer, SMART Recovery®
OnLine
Former maladaptive behavior: crack cocaine and alcohol
Sober: three years (with slips) and counting
I first came to SMART Recovery® just shy of three years ago. I was
absolutely despondent after having tossed out 8 months of sobriety
for one afternoon of drinking with friends. I say tossed out because
there was a lot at stake at that time; it resulted in my losing my 2
youngest children to my estranged ex-boyfriend in an emergency
custody hearing and then some time later losing custody entirely --
for ONE damn afternoon! We had been in the midst of a custody battle,
and I was almost there. I was desperate to find some help, and I just
could not face the idea of going back to AA, although AA had been
kind to me before. I drank for nearly 30 years with many long
stretches of sobriety, mostly on my own, a couple of times with AA/NA
-- for each of my pregnancies and when the babies were infants -- and
a few other approximately year-long stretches as well. Oh, I also did
lots of drugs from a very early age, most notably and damaging,
crack, but that was something I was able to give up many, many years
ago, and the alcohol became my fixture. The thing I went back to over
and over.
I stopped drinking when I first registered and
started posting for about five weeks or so and then had a binge. I
count my stop date from July 11, coming up on three years, though I
have had some big full-blown slips/relapses. A couple were very
short. One was very long -- off and on for almost six months not so
very long ago. I still count from July, when I'm inclined to count,
but clarify when asked.
I was terrified of the time
commitment of AA and being told that the little time I had with my
children might be infringed upon as well as the idea that this was a
life proposition. I felt like there had to be a better way, and I
googled and found SMART Recovery® . The boards utterly fascinated
me, and after some time, I worked up my courage to both post and to
try out an online meeting. I was so scared!!! I had never been in
chat or posted anywhere publicly. I was hugely drawn, though, by
the genuine warmth, kindness and compassion I found, and I gradually
began to feel comfortable both here and more in myself. I'm not
very good at asking for help, and it was all such a learning
experience. I wanted what I saw others giving and getting here,
particularly on the message boards, and so I found some courage and
was able to grow that. I started posting every day on one of the
check-in threads as a small first commitment to myself. I started
attending meetings as often as they were held. I ultimately became
very involved in volunteering -- in pretty much every way possible.
That first year or so of volunteering was incredible. Pure magic.
I
went through some very difficult things with that custody battle,
also lost my regular job (not related to drinking), and I found a
huge amount of support here throughout. I got pretty good at
facilitating (totally surprising to me). I gradually learned how to
find comfort in being me. The REBT stuff made a ton of sense to me
from the beginning, and I was somewhat familiar with it. When I
started actually USING the tools here, so many things started to
change. I made very, very good progress for about 18 months and
then started to have some difficulties. The custody battle was lost.
I felt very alone. I felt strong in not drinking, but lonely. There
was more to this stuff that I wasn't feeling like I was making
progress on, and it felt (TOO) hard. I had a brief lapse shortly
after that, and have had approximately 6 months stretches of sobriety
since. I feel comfortable with the sober part. What I think I was not
so comfortable with is that there were many other patterns in my life
-- my relationships, USA, need for approval, fear, anger -- that I
was not/am not very practiced in. I KNEW the tools for these, and I
gave lip service to applying them. I did not WORK them, as I had when
stopping drinking, and it caught up to me a few times. I felt like I
KNEW this stuff, and didn't do the work that it takes to really work
through these things, though I will say I tried. There are still a
lot of core type beliefs underneath that are hard for me to really
truly believe I am in control of. When things were going pretty
smoothly and I had a lot going on in my life I was pretty much okay.
When things were tough emotionally, I still didn't really know how to
cope. I continue to look at these things, and I feel like I've had
many breakthroughs, AHA moments. I believe now, that this will be
ongoing work. Not that I have to use over these things, but that they
may NOT just go away as I sail away in my sober life. There are many
layers, many years of faulty thinking and coping. It is both
discouraging and exciting to keep finding these things that are
buried deeply. When I can't quite get to what they are, it is
frustrating, and I suppose that's when drinking/using has begun to
become an option for me. During my last major lapse, I even started
smoking crack again for a few weeks off and on -- something I had not
done in over 13 years! Now that was a shocker! Depression, too, has
been a factor for me, and it goes hand in hand with using, but also
rears for other reasons, usually loss of some kind, or feeling
overwhelmed. Much of that, for me, is a result of faulty thinking too
-- giving into that.
So, I continue to learn about who this
me person is. I continue to find new things and new ways to look at
my world and new healthier ways to cope with my life. I am learning
to care for myself and to be mindful of that. I am learning to look
to myself rather than bury myself in others' needs, but also to give
of myself without expectations in return. I am learning to forgive
and accept others, life, myself. I am learning to ENJOY my life in
its sum, as well as all the little moments, as I can, I am learning
that it is okay to be the me that is imperfect and always will be. I
continue to be a part of SOL and I attend F2F meetings (did not for
the first 2 years or so) a couple of times a month maybe. I have
these tools, and they are effortful to use at times. The results for
me have been very good when I am actively engaged in working with
them.
I am above all grateful to SOL. It has taught me many
lessons of friendship, altruism, tolerance, what giving is all about,
how to not get upset or overly involved with fixing others, how to
not take things personally, though I am imperfect in all of these and
may well always be. I am glad that I have stayed thus far, as I have
also seen how things change, just like in life. SOL has given me a
place that is somewhat of a mirror for real life for me, though the
friends I have made are very real. It has been a place where I can
practice and repeat the things I have learned to myself and others,
reinforcing them to myself. I love the way those who have been around
for a while grow and stretch, and I love seeing new people come
around and have those wonderful flashes of insight and begin to build
their confidence, their lives. I love that I have been able to watch
this in myself as well as others. I love that I have useful ways to
help my children make sense of their worlds. This note too has been
helpful. It has been some time since I tried to make a summary of
where I am and where I came from. Oddly, I do not feel over-emotional
this time, but centered, calm. I am where I am. I can choose how I am
going to continue on. I have tools. I have friends. I have a place I
feel comfortable where I can work things through. And I have learned
more about finding what I need within myself even with all the
support that is around me. I am grateful to SMART Recovery® and
SMART Recovery® Online for allowing me to create a space where I
can grow in my own time and in my own way. I like that it is up to me
how I choose to go about that and how I measure my own progress.
Thank you, SMART Recovery®.
Dee
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