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How To Deal With Backsliding
Accept your backsliding as normal- as something that happens to almost all
people who at first improve emotionally and then fall back. See it as part
of your human fallibility. Don't make yourself feel ashamed when some of
your old symptoms return, and don't think that you have to handle them
entirely by yourself and that it is weak for you to seek some additional
help from others about your renewed problems.
When you backslide, look at your self-defeating behavior
as bad and unfortunate, but refuse to put yourself down for engaging in
this behavior. Use the highly important REBT principle of refraining from
rating your self or your being and of measuring only your acts, deeds, and
traits. You are always a person who acts well or badly- and never a good
or bad person. No matter how badly you fall back and bring on your old
disturbances again, work at fully accepting yourself with this unfortunate
or weak behavior and then try- and keep trying- to change your behavior.
Go back to the ABC of REBT and clearly see what you did to fall back to
your old symptoms. At A (Activating Events) you usually experienced some
failure or rejection. At rational belief B, you probably told yourself
that you didn't like failing and didn't want to be rejected. If only you
had stayed with the rational beliefs, you would have only felt merely
sorry, regretful, disappointed, or frustrated. But if you felt disturbed,
you probably then went on to some irrational beliefs (IBs) such as: I must
not fail! It's horrible when I do!?I have to be accepted? If you reverted
to these IBs, you probably felt, at C (emotional consequences) once again
depressed and self-downing. Use the ABC process as illustrated throughout
much of our literature, reading material, and demonstrated live at online
meetings to dispute (D) these IBs and form new effective beliefs (E).
Keep looking for, finding, and actively and vigorously disputing your
irrational beliefs to which you have once again relapsed and that are now
contributing to your feeling anxious or depressed. Keep doing them over
and over, until you build intellectual and emotional muscle.
Ellis says No matter how clearly you see that you upset yourself and make
yourself needlessly miserable, you rarely will improve except through work
and practice- yes, considerable work and practice- to actively change your
disturbance-creating Beliefs and to vigorously (and often uncomfortably)
act against them?
Don't fool yourself into believing that if you merely change your language
you will always change your thinking. Again Ellis: If you mildly Dispute
your irrational Beliefs (iBs) you may not change them and keep them
changed. Therefore, you had better powerfully and persistently argue
against them and persuade yourself that they are false. You may for a
while find it easy to change your feelings. But you're better keep
working, working, working to maintain your gains?
Convince yourself. Here's where the real work begins. It would be short
sighted to believe that one or two exposures to a concept could totally
make it yours. A long-time Smartie once told me the number one cause of
relapse is lack of coping skills? If you have
only a brief acquaintance with the skills presented here rather than a
solid understanding built thorough study and repetition, how can you
expect them to come to your aid when you need the most? Coping skills are
learned like any other skills: first, learning them, then by practice and
repetition until they become ingrained. Keep working on your disputes and
coping skills until you are thoroughly convinced, not just mildly
believing.
The hard work mentioned by Ellis can include:
a.. Written Work: The first exercise suggested by most here is the Cost
Benefit Analysis (CBA). OK, you know that. But, do you really have one
written down? Have you looked at it more than once or twice? This can be a
powerful tool when it is utilized in the manner suggested. It should be an
ongoing work that is revised, added to, and referred to in the face of
temptation. Just having a general outline in your mind is not nearly as
powerful as seeing your thoughts take form on paper. It can truly be
illuminating.
We used to talk about homework around here but it is a topic that has
fallen away in recent days. I would not propose to be anyone's
schoolmaster but you can, yourself, start your own written analysis of the
IB's that are particular to you. As you dispute those, continued emotional
discomfort on your part might signal other IB's that you still have to
unearth. The written disputes of today might be forgotten 6 months from
now and having a written record of these can help you from starting all
over again.
b.. REI: Rational Emotive Imagery is another underutilized tool that is so
powerful, if practiced for a regular period of time (Ellis suggests at
least 30 days). Ellis provides a dramatic, live demonstration at his
seminars. You can learn more about this technique in most any Ellis book.
The key concept in REI is practicing cooler?thoughts. Sort of sounds like
our PPP. (Practice, Patience, and Persistence).
c.. Taped Disputes: One powerful way to do highly powerful, vigorous
disputing is to use a tape recorder and to state one of your strong
irrational beliefs into it. Figure out several disputes to this IB and
present them strongly on this same tape. Listen to your disputing on tape.
Do it over in a more forceful and vigorous manner and listen again,
listening until you get better and better disputes. Keep listening to it
until you see that you are able to convince yourself that you are becoming
more powerful and more convincing.
Reading and Owning the material:
It is said numerous times in the meetings: to think rationally, rather
than irrationally. Yes, you can look up the definitions of the two words,
but does that really give you much more than a general help? If I weren't
already in the habit of thinking irrationally, I wouldn't be here in the
first place. How can I learn to think more rationally? Learning how to
think? is a skill. If you haven't read any of
the authorities recommended in the suggested reading material, who could
blame you for not being too adept at spotting thinking disorders? An
excellent book that points this out is "Feeling Good?
by David D. Burns. He refers to 10 Cognitive Distortions and give
lots of examples and exercises on how to recognize them. It is also the
list that I have seen Betty recently utilize. You might have read the list
at one time, but do you own the material? well
enough to spot faulty thinking in your everyday thoughts?
If you still feel like you don't really have a grasp on a lot of the
basics, or these concepts just don't come to your rescue when you need
them, one should ask themselves, What resources have I invested in to help
make this material mine? Do you have the Smart Manual in your library? Do
you have a resources library? (Not demanding, just suggesting. )
Topics: Pat (Skywiz) has been a real mentor to myself and many others here
too. His knowledge of REBT and related topics and his grasp of how it all
fits together is sometimes astounding. How did that man get to be so
Smart? I know that he has read and continues to read every book he can get
his hands on to learn as much as he can about this subject and all related
topics. As you start to explore and learn, you realize that getting sober
is just the first step. The implications and applications of REBT and a
balanced life-style can become an on-going search leading you from topic
to topic. Other topics of interest that intertwine with REBT may be:
a.. USA (Unconditional Self Acceptance). Surprisingly it is not the same
as self-esteem. Pat has an excellent piece on his website (www.skysite.org)
on USA.
b.. Guilt- A topic brought up in most every meeting I have attended. An
excellent book is Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda.. Overcoming regrets, mistakes,
and missed opportunities? Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf.
c.. Urges- Do you know the four common misconceptions about urges? The
pamphlet available from Smartrecovery (for only $4.95!) the Pocket
Therapist gives you 20 Tips To Defeat Urges, 10
Ways to Prevent Relapses, What To Think When an Urge Hits. Now WHO
couldn'tuse that!
d.. Anger- For many of us, when we don't get our way, we get angry. Useful
IB's and disputes about this subject abound in the book "How to control
your anger before it controls you? Ellis and Raymond Chip Tafrate.
e.. Semantics- You will notice a distinct concentration (some say
nit-picking) about ones choice of words around here. The subject of
semantics delves into how our language says so much about what we think.
Having trouble unearthing your IBs? What you say might help you zero in on
them. That is why you might have seen the ATW (Automatic Thought Warning)
that we have employed form time to time. A useful device to make us more
aware of what we are saying.
I have only touched on a few topics and the field is open to wherever it
leads you. It reminds me of websurfing. I start out researching one topic,
see another interesting topic and surf over there, and hours later find
myself 6 or 7 topics away! Anyone having trouble coming up with a Vital
Consuming Interest (VCI)?
In conclusion, backsliding isn't the end of the world. It is quite
natural. Rather than the awful, terrible?event that we so often portray it
to be, it could be the impetus for us to get back to some much needed
personal work. It can even help us to go back to some areas that we
originally glossed over the first time around. With this attitude of
healthy disappointment for our behavior, (rather than unhealthy attitudes
that stifle growth) we can get back to the basics of the ABCs and REBT
that helped us in the first place. We can keep looking for and vigorously
disputing our irrational beliefs. We won't fool ourselves that we have
done the work?by only mildly believing but we will continue working hard
until we are thoroughly convinced of the truth of our disputes and the
rational choices we have chosen to make. Learning and ?aking our own?the
basic concepts of REBT will help us avoid the kind of thinking errors that
caused the incident of backsliding for the future.
(Portions of this article were taken from the Ellis Article Maintain and
enhance your rational emotive behavior gains) submitted by Ali on SMART
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