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ABCs- a crash course.
If you get some paper and a pencil to use while you read this, you can
learn this technique in 10 minutes.
The "ABC's" are an exercise from REBT, which is a form of cognitive
therapy that is simple enough and effective enough to be used by anybody
and- it works. You can learn to do this straight out of a book, or off the
computer screen. We use it to examine the beliefs we have (or the thinking
we are doing) as some of this may be causing us problems. The "ABC's" are
an exercise that helps us to stop being victimized by our own thinking.
A common example is the issue of someone else's behavior "making us
angry". This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it
often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A
more accurate description of "someone making me angry" is to say that I
feel angry about their behavior. They are not making me anything- they are
simply behaving in a way that I am getting angry about. I notice their
behavior and then I become angry. The responsibility for the anger is
mine, not theirs. This can sound strange at first, but dealing with
problematic anger and frustration this way works.
REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get
all worked up about someone else's behavior. The anger is based on a
faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way
I want them to. If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is
not necessarily what they DO do. This is a very important element of the
equation- reality. They do what they do, and then I/you automatically get
angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while- possibly very upset.
It's like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says
"Push here to aggravate". Is this a useful response to others' behavior?
Probably not.
Since they are very likely going to do that (whatever it is) anyway, it
seems, then it would make life a great deal easier if I/you didn't get
angry about it and lose our peace of mind. This is what REBT can
accomplish, in many such situations. The missing part of the puzzle, and
the part that is the really crucial part, is what WE THINK about what they
do.
For example, if I really believe that they MUST NOT do whatever they are
doing, and then they still continue to do it, then the DEMAND that I have
inside my head that says; "they MUST NOT do that" will put considerable
pressure on me from the inside to do something about it, which I am very
often unable to do. Often, it just isn't possible to control other
peoples' behavior. So this will automatically make me feel bad;
frustrated, ineffective, angry, desperate, hurt, enraged, and so on
because I cannot translate the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into
reality. Most external phenomena I simply cannot control. The problem is
that I am DEMANDING something that I cannot get. It is better for my peace
of mind if I simply PREFER to get what I want than DEMAND it.
How much easier it is if I can become aware of this and make a choice to
change the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into a more rational
alternative, which actually means something; "I PREFER that they don't do
that". Once I downgrade the DEMAND to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is
turned down and I can function again. After all, it's now only a
preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help us make this adjustment, called "the
ABCs". It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about
it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better
about it. This doesn't mean that we should never try to change external
reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it's when it isn't an appropriate or
effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead
in order to feel better. To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick
any situation where someone's behavior is "making you angry" and take a
look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and
irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE. It
is irrational to demand that people behave in the way we want them to!
Here is an example using drunken people making a lot of noise late at
night as they pass by outside where I live.
SMART RecoveryŽ is: Self Management And Recovery Training
A. (Activating situation)
Drunk people outside, making some noise.
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They MUSTN'T make any noise.
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A)
When noisy drunken people pass in the street outside late at night and
wake me up I feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset
and don't get back to sleep for a long time.
D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and
answers)
WHY shouldn't they make any noise- where is that commandment written in
stone? Well, it isn't.
E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B)
Drunken people often tend to be noisy, but it's no big deal. It is very
common that they make some noise on their way home. I will CHOOSE to not
upset myself about this, and I will stop even noticing it because it is
not a problem for me. When this happens I will say "Ah, the drunk people
who pass in the night" (taking care to spell it right) and go back to
sleep.
You can make an ABC exercise really short;
A. (Activating situation) Drunks walking past outside, making some noise.
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They SHOULDN'T make any noise C.
(Consequences of having those beliefs about A) I Feel angry, etc
D. (Dispute the irrational Belief/s in B) WHY shouldn't they make any
noise?
E. (Effective new thinking) Drunk people do make noise, it's what they're
good at- its like a natural talent for them. I will CHOOSE to not upset
myself about this.
And you can do this on many situations that bother you and reclaim your
peace of mind, just look for the DEMAND and turn it into a PREFERENCE.
Here's another one...
A. (Activating situation) I tried to do something and failed
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) I must always be successful
C. (Consequences of believing B) I feel bad, depressed, etc
D. (Dispute the Irrational Belief in B) where is it written in stone that
I must I always be successful?
E. (Effective new thinking to replace B) I would prefer always to be
successful but let's be realistic- that isn't very likely, is it- so when
I'm not successful I don't need to make myself feel bad.
SMART RecoveryŽ is: Self Management And Recovery Training
That's it- that is how to do ABC's. Try this technique with something that
is bothering you. Try to keep it as simple as you can while you get used
to the ideas involved. Be aware of "should- ing" and "musterbation" (these
simply mean the occurrence of problem-causing "should" and
"must" DEMANDS in your thinking). Here are some things you might
think or believe, in which case these could be your "iB"s;
I MUST NOT feel overwhelmed with responsibilities
I CAN'T STAND IT when I feel (bored, sad, lonely, whatever) People MUST
not take me for granted
Email lists SHOULD be how I expect them to be Other people SHOULD behave
in the way I want I SHOULD be able to have a drink
I NEED a drink ("NEED" is often interpreted as MUST HAVE- be aware of such
invisible
MUSTS)
They MUST see it my way
I MUST NEVER display weakness
The sun MUST shine tomorrow
People who do bad things MUST ALWAYS be punished etc.
Try to find some Activating situations, iB's and Consequences of your own
and do this exercise with them. Often is easier to start with the C- the
Consequences of the A and B and work back to see what they were. Whenever
you feel upset it can be a useful exercise to see if an ABC can be done on
the situation and your thinking about it. You never know, you might just
feel better. Get into the habit of doing this regularly and you might feel
a lot better overall. And do please note; this is a tool not just a
theory. Success with this (and other) cognitive techniques is dependent on
your writing out your own examples and making it part of the way you
think.
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