Anger is not an
involuntary emotional response to a specific situation. Anger
arises from a philosophy-a way of viewing the world. At its
core, anger represents an outlook of grandiosity,
self-righteousness, commanding, and condemning. Many mental
health professionals disagree with this view, that all kinds of
anger are generally bad for you. Most therapists classify anger
as "appropriate" or "inappropriate" according to context, and
they usually argue that, when appropriate, it is healthy to
express anger ("let it out") and unhealthy to suppress anger
("bottle it up").
Recent research, however, contradicts this popular view, and
suggests that all anger, expressed or suppressed, is harmful to
your health and damaging to your relationships with other
people. Among the many difficulties associated with anger are:
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o
Increased likelihood of heart attack, stroke, and
hypertension
o Greater difficulty in solving problems constructively
o A tendency for the anger, which may start in one area of
your life, to overlap and extend into other areas
o Preoccupation with thoughts of revenge
o Adopting an antagonistic attitude, which needlessly
alienates other people with whom it's advantageous to have
cordial dealings
o A predisposition to violence, especially child abuse
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But doesn't expressing anger help release a lot of pent-up
frustration? It's true that an outburst of anger may sometimes
momentarily provide relief. But psychological distress often
takes its toll on the body, and some preliminary evidence
suggests that expressed anger causes more physical damage than
suppressed anger. There is, however, a third alternative to
suppressing or expressing your anger: Don't make yourself angry
in the first place!
The "expressive" approach implies that anger is something inside
you, like a gallbladder. If your gallbladder bothers you, you
could have it removed, and then it won't bother you anymore.
Similarly, if you can get your anger out, it won't be inside you
any more, causing distress.
This view is hopelessly mistaken. Anger is not a physical
entity. It's a feeling generated by an attitude or belief. You
don't free yourself of feelings by expressing the attitudes and
beliefs that create them. That usually reaffirms and strengthens
those attitudes and thus makes the feeling more likely to
return.
Consider an opposite sort of feeling, like love - a feeling that
we often want to continue. It's clear that the more you express
feelings of love, tenderness, and caring, the more loving,
tender, and caring you are likely to become. No one would
suppose that by expressing such feelings you were "letting them
out" and thus losing them.
It's exactly the same with the self-destructive feeling of
anger. If you express your anger, you reaffirm and solidify your
angry attitude, and make it more difficult to dispel. If you
refrain from expressing your anger, this may be the first step
towards avoiding anger entirely.
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Some Things Anger IS
1) It is acting
out of control in order to gain control.
2) It is emotional disturbance.
3) It is distorted thinking.
4) It is self-righteous.
5) Unhealthy and can literally make us physically ill.
6) Usually a mask for other, deeper emotions (hurt, fear).
7) Addictive, because it can make us feel good in the short
run.
8) Psychologically harmful, because it can increase our
frustration and anxiety in the long run. |
Some Things Anger IS
NOT
1) A stress
reducer.
2) A safe way to express feelings.
3) A good way to motivate behavior change in myself or
others.
4) An effective way to express a message.
5) An agent of control.
6) A requirement when threatened.
7) A symbol of strength.
8) A result of unmet needs (neediness is the problem!)
9) A learned behavior (it is inborn!)
10) An emotion that will run its course (it escalates!)
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Tips for the Management of
Anger
1) Always try
to say I made MYSELF angry.
2) Give up the idea that anger must be expressed.
3) Know what to overlook.
4) Recognize that people aren't against you, they are merely for
themselves
5) Lower your voice.
6) Recognize the hurt or fear that precedes anger.
7) Recognize that another person's abusive behavior says more
about them and their emotional pain than it says about you.
8) Ask yourself if your feelings of anger are helping your
problem solving skills.
9) Avoid scorekeeping.
10) Learn not to hit the sore spots.
11) Ask yourself how important the issue will be in a week.
12) Avoid mind reading.
13) Learn to agree to disagree.
14) Kill them with kindness.
15) Work on anger coping self-statements for "comprehensive
emotional rustproofing."
Techniques for Anger Management
Express feelings in a safe environment (catharsis).
Report anger to the person you are angry with.
Mourn any losses connected to an incident that angers you.
Keep a journal of what triggers your anger and how you respond.
Identify and correct cognitive distortions.
Replace 'hot thoughts' with 'cool thoughts.'
Revise 'should rules' to be more realistic.
Analyze the costs and benefits of being angry vs. 'letting it
go.'
Develop the ability to empathize with the person you are angry
with.
Recognize when you are feeling angry or when it is a cover-up
for fear, shame, guilt.
Practice a quick form of gaining control, such as counting to
10.
