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You're a bad girl!
Or, you're a bad boy! How many times did you hear that growing up? Plenty
of times for most of us. Whoever said that was equating your behavior with
your worth. It could be a parent, a teacher, a religious figure or a
policeman who used this to get you to conform to their rules and to
control your behavior. Then in an effort to gain and keep their approval
you begin to judge yourself by their rules and feel guilty if you violate
them. This is very common, but wrong.
Now there is nothing wrong with standards and rules of conduct. But there
surely can be a lot wrong with how they are applied. "Do as I say, not as
I do!" is the common double standard. Discipline is often inconsistent and
the growing child becomes further confused. When a child's value and worth
are made a part of the teaching and training, the negative emotions of
guilt and shame are learned. This leads to a form of self-rating and
self-measurement which is commonly referred to as "self-esteem." People
commonly base their "self-esteem" on how well they think they have
performed and what they think other people think of them. There is nothing
wrong with having a good healthy self-regard, but it is not a measure of
one's inestimable worth as a human being. Your worthiness is not a
variable. But your performance and other people's approval are notoriously
variable!
What is the remedy for this? It is to bypass the whole "rating game" and
take an objective view of your performance free from those negative
emotions. It is called "Unconditional Self- Acceptance." …or USA. The goal
of this is to recognize that no one is perfect and that you can deal with
perceived shortcomings best by accepting your weaknesses along with your
strengths. If you can change something or improve it, fine. But if you
cannot change something, then accept it and still do as well as you can.
Otherwise you agonize over it and make yourself miserable. It's not
complicated. It is an area where we can simplify our lives with a little
different approach. It's bad enough when others seem to put you down
finding
fault, but it is not necessary for you to internalize it and continue to
do it to yourself. Think of it this way. Your mistakes do not diminish
your worth..
Then it follows that your past mistakes do not diminish your worth either,
any more than a good performance would make you a better person. You
surely may regret certain things and strive not to repeat them and correct
any wrongs that you can. But you are always human and you can be wrong
some of the time without punishing yourself endlessly about it. There is
no such thing as a "bad girl" or a "bad boy." In the future let's try to
eliminate such unwarranted self-rating (and rating of others) and get
started doing something constructive.
Why do we put so much emphasis on this subject? First because it's
something that would
be well changed in our society. And also because it is a real factor in
achieving better adjustment to life's problems, ones that all too often
lead to self-destructive behavior. When you eliminate unnecessary
self-judgment you develop a better respect for your role in life. And that
respect for yourself helps you recognize and appreciate the benefits that
will come from changing bad habits. That's something you can do something
about. This exercise is also to help you realize that you are worth the
effort.
You can crumple up and kick around a twenty-dollar bill and get it pretty
dirty. But you know what? It's still worth twenty bucks, isn't it? Please
never call a child a bad girl or a bad boy. Just deal with their behavior.
Cut them a little slack and things work out better. Now do you think you
could treat yourself as well? Those things you sometimes feel guilty about
may be real but they don't reduce your worth! If you can do something to
fix things, then do it. If you can't then accept it and start again fresh.
Every highly successful person has a closet full of failures and lost
opportunities to go along with the better stuff. But they learned not to
let the mistakes bog them down to inaction and depression.
Here are a few ideas to think about.
If you accept yourself wholly and unconditionally, none of your life will
be wasted.
It is good to change the things you can and learn to accept the things you
cannot change and figure out the difference.
If there are things that you still can't accept, then forgive yourself for
them and start with a clean slate.
When you learn the serenity of unconditional self-acceptance, it is a
natural step to be more tolerant of others.
When you accept yourself unconditionally, you come to realize that your
feelings about life are nearly all in your own control.
Learn unconditional self-acceptance and feel the emotional growth.
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